- this will probably be the name of my next book :P !
Dear friends, family, beings I cherish!
I wish you are all enjoying the first days of the year, that it have come full of insights, revelations and big desires to fully be, grow and connect <3
It’s been a couple of days that I have been willing to post; but somehow there has been a lot of movement, preparation and traveling… which I am grateful for! However, tomorrow, we will be leaving higher up in the mountains where the Sun Dance takes place, and I wanted to share this with you before my departure :)
Today was our only day in Bogota, quite an adventure, we left Montreal Thursday January sixth at 3:00 am in the morning from Pascal’s house and we got to Bogota at 7:00 pm… long day up in the airs and observing thru the windows the sunny Miami day’s. We arrived not knowing where we would stay; ending up coming to a hotel Matthieu had stayed some time ago. Colonial architecture, in our room a lovely hole in the sky that will let the morning light come in, carried away by the song of the water in a tiny Zen fountain, and appreciating the songs of the birds from the second I woke up. Hmmm, fresh smell, outside of the hotel room flowers, hummingbirds, the sky and our new friend: a lovely little street cat, that comes into the hotel whenever the lady that takes care is not in the area… sneaky, I like him :)
So, after a day full of emotions, and teachings we got back to the hotel, with a moon that is soon to be full, pregnant, entirely blossomed… and deep movements that remind me where I come from, that tie me directly with the year that just passed; for it was in the same dates that I was arriving to Colombia last year to adventure myself in a beautiful dance full of traditions, with my good friends. But this time is different, the company is different, the dynamics of the trip, the walk… the whole experience… due to all the things that occurred last year. Woow, big movement in the heart, tears that cool down my face, return to the practice…
Ay, the practice… so, right before I left Montreal, I was in a Buddhist retreat for four days, in a lovely little town called Morin Heights, where there was a small house, full of windows, Tankas (traditional Buddhist paintings), heart full people, delicious food and two incredible hosts that really made me filled bathed in a tub of love and carrying; so thank you Derek and Jane!
Things seemed to have more and more space; as I started fully accepting what I was living, and really starting seeing out of the box: What do I really want to be? Or, better off, who am I for real right now? In this moment of existence?
Imagine… Just as when you go in a rollercoaster (or anything like it), there might be freaky moments, happy moments, scream moments, but at the end of the ride you went to the end of the experience, because you deeply desired to do it for you; and bam!! Ripples effects of excitement might last for some days!
Well, just like that… the experience of love, sadness, anger, joy, ecstasy, tradition, ritual, community, family, forest, and city… you name it!! But… there is a trick to the trick, hehe… I realized that just making experiences wasn’t really nourishing… at least not for me, I have done pretty much what I thought, “I wanted, needed… “ Or whatever, for the last nine years of my life, and I still feel lost from time to time, like I have no real place, sad.. Very sad. Even if there is a great ecstasy and desire of life inside of me, even if I do things I love, sometimes there is something that is missing. And I realized that I needed to get more grounded and to take more time with myself, my infinite true self and not just my mind. For as Namgyal Rimpoche would say: “choice-full awareness”. We live in a world full of choices; and that is the double threat of it. It is not enough to just choose, cause that might create chaos if there is clinging, I can recall numerous amount of times I chose from a space of fear, of “lack”, or of deep desire of a result and I just ended up in tears, deep anger, or frustration… void… more void. Or even worst; I can recall numerous time when I have tried to get my “place” by being something that I was currently not and if it wasn’t valued then I will get deeply offended or sad… and I don’t think it is about that.
I got to think that when a choice is really aligned, no matter how crazy the choice is – and just a quick note, I speak of choices that will not have the intention of harming others; I believe in the principle of choosing wisely and in a way that creates more life, and not destruction around me – the depths of the soul will be satisfied. Which pretty much means the experience will be even richer!!! More experience; more nourishment… more for you and more for the others!! In several levels, for when you truly do something that feels aligned, then you do it with more passion, in a more wholesome manner which really vibrates as light to others; and at the same time you let go “opportunities, “beings”, and “ideas” that just took to much energy and pain to keep on clinging at. Then there is space, and then there is a bigger sense of “you”, for you are not caging yourself behind an imaginary fence any more, but rather opening your wings as vast as the sky and being fully “you”. Which then gives more space for others to fully develop themselves and grow becomes something easier… at least in my experience ;)
And here, a short example from my own life: Alma Tierra
About a year and a half ago I walked away of marriage, something that seemed fairly impossible for me to do; I was terrified, living thousands of kilometers away from my family for like three years already, 19 years old…etc etc… I felt something wasn’t very rightful in my life, and I chose to explore (A word I love more and more) other aspects of life… so I chose to go to the OpenMind Festival, and out of the blue, right when I told myself : “I need to be celibataire for a bit” , pooff, Matthieu appeared as by magic. And then my whole life changed: I droped university, stoped getting subvention from my parents, gave away around 2/3 of all my clothes and things (and kind of got a lot back already :P ), started camping, stargazing in a more profound way, swimming in lakes as a every week activity… and it was one of the best and most powerful things that have happened in my life so far. For I believe it is the one moment, so far, that my ego/constructed-Self has been so challenged… and guess what, it survived! And today, starting 2017, I can look back and see a dear being, teacher… mentor, see a wonderful project arising Alma Tierra; see all the new doors I have opened: Dance with very special people, music, therapy, constructing my own therapy, Dharmaa… teachings… because damnn… my huge desire to keep on studying and becoming a more wholesome and complex human became stronger.
Now I have, delicious DETERMINATION, for something that is even bigger than myself, community, tribe, connection, growth… and get as much deep and aligned experiences my mind can’t even wrap its head around, to then share… support, and walk the path of the heart; for the benefit of all beings.
That’s when it hit in for real, and not just as a concept: This is all an Experience. And that is how even today I keep on changing, and observing the reaction my body, my heart and my emotions show me facing different situations….and figuring out at wach step more and more what I want to offer and fully share with the world, and how to put this in alignment with Alma Tierra, while I keep on doing all the things that make me thrive of the project! :) So the experience keeps on unfolding in very different ways, at each day.
So, right before wrapping up, I will love to give some credit, for all the beings and teachers that have supported my path throughout my life; and a very special shout out to Matthieu, who has been very dear to my heart in many ways, and has supported me and been my teacher and mentor for the last year and a half. To all the Sanghas and Communities that have been there to deeply care, and to allow me to replenish of the idea of family; for Derek and Jane; for keeping on supporting Buddhism in my life… and to all those beings that inspire me and that make part of my path just by the fact of existing <3 And to all the teachers that are yet to come.
Thank you for reading, and for supporting my path in so many different ways.
Wishing you have a year full of blessings, realizations and deep joy being impregnated in your heart.
Some questions before the next read ;)
WHAT IS THE EXPERIENCE I AM HAVING TODAY?
WHAT IS THE EXPIRIENCE I FEEL WILL LIGHTEN MY LIFE UP?
WHAT IS STOPING ME FROM JUMPING IN FOR IT?